THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP… I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People? Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! Are […]

THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE Wear a top hat. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, “It’s snowing!” Go, “Oooooh…” whenever anyone kisses. Clap when the good guy gets killed. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, “Ahhh…” Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have […]

Unpublished Children’s Books You Were an Accident Strangers Have the Best Candy The Little Sissy Who Snitched Some Kittens Can Fly Getting More Chocolate on Your Face Where Would You Like to Be Buried? Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her All Dogs Go to Hell The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking When Mommy […]

Missionaries and Van Gogh’s relatives A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not […]

Subject: FW: I Can’t Believe We Made It! This is so true! According to today’s regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’s or even the early 80’s, probably shouldn’t have survived. I Can’t Believe We Made It! Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based […]

Yo mama’s so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch died. Yo mama’s so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp. Yo mama’s so old, she used to gang bang with the Flintstone’s. Yo mama’s so old, she drove a chariot to high school. Yo mama’s so old, she’s got […]

VAN GOGH’S LITTLE KNOWN RELATIVES The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia — U. Gogh The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white — Hue Gogh The real obnoxious brother — Please Gogh The brother who ate prunes — Gotta Gogh The uncle who worked at a convenience store — Stop N. Gogh His dizzy […]

Yo mama’s so big, her belly button’s got an echo. Yo mama’s so big, she has to buy clothes by the acre. Yo mama’s so big, they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if she was walking or rolling. Yo mama’s so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker. […]

Yo mama’s so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side. Yo mama’s so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips. Yo mama’s so fat, when she hauls ass, she has friends come help. Yo mama’s so fat, I’ve got to tell […]